Motivations.

So me and Fortissimo have been out for a while now, celebrating our reunion, and no, we weren't murdering people left and right as part of our "celebration ceremony". No, we were mainly just wandering, "talking", catching up if you may, after all, we've been separated for 4 years, a lot has changed, we have changed in our own individual ways, understandings have shifted a little bit, but priorities and goals remain the same.

It's a combination of those intimate discussions and a comment by my good friend Minxie, that pushed me to make this, slightly introspective post. If you are here to read about the latest, wacky developments, move along, because this post will be filled with a combination of explanations and philosophical pondering's. I feel like I owe it to some people who I have encountered on my journey an explanation as to where I stand after my return, so there will be no confusion if we ever encounter each other: Friend, enemy, or frienemy.

Not that any of it matters in the long run, after all, nothing matters, there is no grand purpose to anything, no great meaning, because everything we strive for, every decision we make, will be undone by someone else's decision, somewhere else, at some point in time, making our decisions and actions irrelevant and forgotten, rinse and repeat. It's a vicious cycle of pointlessness, the only decision that makes sense, is the final one. Suicide? No, too small scale, you commit suicide, get buried, turn into grass and feed this world. Another World War? No, still too small of a scale, societies thrive on wars, no matter how devastating, the aftermath is always restoration. Nuclear War? Still too small, even if we nuke everything into oblivion, someone, somewhere, will still survive and start rebuilding. All of this, is too small, hell, even if the entire world just exploded, it would still not be enough, how many living creatures are out there in the galaxy? How many different societies exist out there? None of it is enough, hence why my understanding has shifted, before I wanted nothing but Destruction, no matter how big or small, my human understanding of Destruction, limited me from seeing the grander and final possibility of my goal, complete and total non-existence. The ceasing of Existence, that's the only decision that matters, because it's final, can't be undone or changed, once you erase existence of everything, there's nothing and nobody left over to re-build, no human, or Fear.

It's amusing to look at my previous self's ramblings about destruction on these blogs. How limited my thinking was, God, I'm honestly surprised that my darling has stuck with me so long. But she "saw" potential, the first thing she "felt" within me, when Slendy was shoving her down my neck, was the burning desire to kill everyone and everything, to destroy as much as possible, because none of it had meaning. According to her, it was "overwhelming", she never "felt" something like that before, she became "curious", see how hard this is to explain? I'm using all of these words, that have human assigned meanings to them, so that all of you can better understand it. In reality, there is no relating how her and I "communicate" or "Understand" each other, most people think we "talk" "telepathically" or some, hollywood bullshit like that, which is wrong, but since I can't explain it any other way, this is the closest we're going to get to an actual explanation.

However, there is some truth to the word "Curiosity" in that explanation above, because she would start trying to imitate human behavior after joining with me. It was very subtle at first, starting with her ripping my body apart in order to get "comfortable". The act of marking territory is an animal concept, which humans employ as well, she didn't have to do that, how many proxies are out there, with Azoth flowing through their bodies, without it ripping their bodies apart? Why did she do it then? Well upon our first joining, I believe it was her first attempt at communication with me, in a language that I would understand at the time, she was telling me, that she was the boss, that I belonged to her, that I was going to sate her hunger and desire for destruction, which she acquired from me. Yeah, it wasn't a stable relationship at first, she was very controlling, but I don't blame her, it was in her nature, after all, she was a part of Slendy, it was the only thing she knew when separated from him. Over time though, she realized that there was no point to this pointless charade of "taking control" and "Ownership" as those things, didn't matter, just like nothing mattered and that's when I started to fall in love with her, a creature who understood me, without my influence, or me pointing it out to her, she came to those conclusions herself, I've never met anyone who did that, so it was mesmerizing, I fell in love instantly.

However, because of this bond, I convinced myself that I was no longer a human, I mean, I have a living creature within me that protects me and can kill for me and I lack human desires like love, friendship and etc. To which, of course, I would be proven wrong by people like Minxie, The Wolf, Starman and others, I was able to see that I was capable of friendship, respect and disgust, all human aspects, human understandings and they wouldn't leave. As I experienced those feelings, Fortissimo began to get fascinated with them as well, see, she was the only one who wasn't actually human, she didn't understand how we work, we were as alien to her, as she and Slendy are to us. The only aspects she seemed to be familiar with were Fear, Death and Pain, she had no idea there was more to us, how could she, all this time she was a part of him, living within him and what does he do the majority of the time? He scares, causes pain and kills, it is only natural that it would seem to her that those feelings is all humans are capable of.

But as I formed friendships with the likes of Minxie, she took note, as I showed respect towards Wolf, she studied it, as I felt anger towards Star, she deciphered the cause of anger. She became so fascinated, she would begin to emulate us, which was comfortable for me, because "talking" to her became so much easier. This is why I broke Incognito mentally before my death by his hand, he was deluding himself the same way I was, as if he were some sort of inhumane monster, I had to show him that he was wrong, otherwise, he would die a lot more sooner.

And yet, as she began to understand humanity, my own humanity began to slip into her, joining with her, I would start to see bits and pieces of what she saw when being a part of Slendy, the infinites, the endlessness, it was overwhelming, I would begin to slip. However, it was her knowledge of the human nature at this point that would constantly remind me of the now and not the distant unknown, it would allow me to not entirely lose myself. I would lose the desire to sleep, the desire to eat, drink and etc. I was becoming something different from a human and then I died.

And once I came back, I was no longer a human, I was something else, so the question is, why do I still act like a human? Why do I knowingly put on this facade of friendships, respect and hatred? Well, it's because, I would simply completely lose myself within my new nature, you see, I am not human anymore, I became a part of my darling and later on, grew on my own, in a way, I'm a child of my original body and Fortissimo. The greater part of my mother and love, is the overwhelming part, all the knowledge of what she had seen when joined with Slendy, all of it is within me, however, if I decide to peek into that knowledge, it would completely destroy the human aspect of me, that comes from my original body, simply because that type of knowledge is far too overwhelming for anybody's mind. Hence why I pretend to still experience these feeling of friendship, respect and hatred, I'm trying to convince myself that I still legitimately feel all of that, it is my anchor to not slip away.

But why does it matter? Simple, because I promised my darling that we would see this through together and I intend to keep my father's and mine, promise. Is it pointless? Sure. But it was one of the biggest desires my original self held, right next to the desire for destruction, so I will oblige it.