Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Tracking is like Hacking

The past few days was nothing but driving around from city to city, I'm looking for someone, someone who knows how to hide their tracks, someone who knows how to drop off the face of the earth, a talent they acquired by cheating existence itself. I'm no tracker, the only way I could find anyone I wanted before, was either through the path, or another domain that I've been using once I left the proxy club and even then that didn't always work.

Question is, how do you track someone, who not only inherited their skills from an extremely skilled survivor, but also someone who had no dossiers on themselves anywhere? Little that I know about tracking is that hacking comes into play a lot, however, a lot of people have a misconception about hacking, it has less to do with you click clacking your fingers on the keyboard and more to do with social interactions you partake in with your target, social engineering they call it, I believe. That's why a lot of the proxies were so good at hacking, or relatively competent, it's because a lot of them would pretend to be their target's friend, FreedomCaged is a great example of that, another one off the top of my head would be NightScream who would act out elaborate scenarios to get someone to trust their partner in crime.

But how can you socially interact with someone, you can't even find or have contact with? Well, I'm not trying to hack anyone now am I? I'm trying to track someone down. I don't need to socially interact with the person I'm tracking, instead, I need to know WHO they're socially interacting with at the moment and then track that person down and ask them a few questions. Now what makes me think that my target is even talking to anybody at all, after all, I sad before, they inherited their skills in hiding and staying off the radar, why would they compromise their position by talking to anyone, right? Well because human being are like that... Actually, scratch that, that logic doesn't entirely apply to my target, it only applies partly, since they began to only learn what's it like to be human right before they dropped off the face of the earth.

Which yields two possibilities, on one hand their inherited skills will take control over their desire to explore their own human nature, for the purposes of survival and this is nothing but a dead end tracking endeavor on my part, OR due to them learning of their own humanity, right before going into hiding, will create a greater desire to explore their humanity further and lead to a great desire to communicate with someone.

I think it's the latter rather than the former, simply because, right before dropping off the face of the earth, they weren't alone.

Confused yet? Good, no doubt the men in black are reading this as they try to track me down, so being as unspecific as I possibly can, helps. Not to say that it's entirely impossible to connect the dots here, not at all, in fact it's really simple and I'm pretty sure they'll figure out who I'm talking about, I'd assume people who own brain frying technology wouldn't be THAT stupid. Thing is, once they connect the dots, they'll be several steps behind.

The game is afoot.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Coincidences.

I don't believe in faith, the idea of a pre-determined outcome that we are inevitably going to stumble upon, due to someone's machinations over us, makes me want to throw up. I do, however believe in happenstance, a "Shit happens" if you may, sometimes certain people just get lucky, or unlucky and that's it.

So after my first debacle with Knitty's little family, I was back at square 1, having no leads, or clues as to who might have taken my darling away. With nothing left to do and nobody to question I decided to come back to where I asked KnitWolf to leave her, in hopes that if I were to keep an eye on that spot, someone suspicious looking enough would turn up for me to question.

Turns out, I didn't even have to wait, because as I was returning to the alleyway where my darling was supposed to be stored, I see this clown in a white hazmat suit, cleaning the inside of a fuse box where my darling was supposed to be hidden away with a dusting brush, if that's not suspicious looking, I don't know what is.

So I casually strolled up to him, he couldn't hear, or see me approaching him, due to the hazmat suit. Tapped him on the shoulder, he immediately turned around with a silenced gun, trying to shoot me, talk about paranoid, too bad he was too slow and I was able to stab him through the forearm, with two spikes which grew out of my sleeve. He instantly dropped his gun, he was about to yell out in pain, but I put my hand over where his mouth was and slammed him hard against the wall, making sure that not even a sound escapes from him, I didn't need the cop's attention on me.

I then proceeded to rip off the top of his hazmat suit, revealing a regular man behind it, nothing note worthy. He was visibly scared, but he tried his best to hold the fear in, he knew he fucked up, I can tell this guy wasn't used to physical encounters. I grew a small, sharp spike out of my sleeve and pointed it towards one of his eyes, I told him that I never really scooped someone's eyes out before, that it would be a new experience for me, told him how much it sucks to loose an eye, since I have experience in that field, told him all sorts of horrid shit to scare him, how once I would scoop his eye out, I would then proceed to put dirt in the eye hole, infecting the wound even more, etc, etc.

I didn't bullshit him, I told him that I was going to kill him, whether if it was a quick death, or a long one was up to him and if he was willing to answer my questions. But he wasn't budging, he was taking the exceptionally difficult route. Now, personally, I'll be honest with you dear reader, I know squat when it comes to torture, I rarely ever had to torture people for information , bottom line, I'm shit at torture and no matter how many times I stabbed away, he wasn't budging, apart from a few profanity's directed at me, I wasn't getting anything from him.

Not unless I went a completely different route, a route I don't like taking because it gives me a massive migraine. I was going to send a tendril inside of him, much like I did with whelp to get the information I needed myself, which is exactly what I did, only instead of sending it through the nostril, I sent it through his newly made eye hole. Whilst I was doing that, I kept on telling him that I didn't need his cooperation, that his mind would tell me everything I need, I could see him tense up more and more, as he felt my tendril digging inside of him, rummaging through his veins, slithering around his brain, this is when he started squirming, begged me to stop, told me that he would tell me everything I wanted to know, so I retracted my tendril, because I honestly don't prefer learning the needed information that way, it hurts like a motherfucker and leaves me completely vulnerable, feel free to note that down.

So he finally started singing, started telling me how there's this secret, research organization dedicated to researching our slim friend, that they've been around for decades, yet another shadow group, as if those always worked out. He told me that they were doing experiments on Azoth for years, that they were particularly interested in my darling, because of how different she was according to me. Told me that the way they found the hiding spot was through their technology, KnitWolf had nothing to do with them finding her. He told me that they've been conducting experiments on my darling for 4 years now, that pissed me off. So I finally asked where she was and just as he was about to tell me, he suddenly stopped talking.

He began shaking, his head vibrating, the veins around his face intensifying, I could see smoke coming from his nose, ears, eyes. He was shaking like crazy, he began foaming at the mouth. His last eye popped right in my face, covering me with blood, eventually he stopped shaking, moving in general, he was dead.

As I wiped his blood off my face, I saw in the reflection of his hazmat helmet that was laying on top of the dumpster, I saw him, our tall, thin friend. Standing on of a distant rooftop, watching over me, he wanted me to see him, otherwise I would have never spotted him. I don't know why he was there, if he wanted to kill me, he would have done so in a instant, he wouldn't announce his presence like that, no, he wanted me to know that he was watching, always watching, mocking me, showing me that I'm not a threat in all of this, just a nuisance, well, he can think whatever he wants, I don't care.

I knew he didn't cause this guy's death, I don't remember anybody dying from him just being around, let alone smoking whilst dying. So I started digging through the guy's body hoping that I would find something, I dug around in his brain and almost missed it, but I didn't, it was a small device of some sort, looked burnt up, no doubt this was what killed him, which means someone killed him just as he was about to spill the beans about the location of my darling, which meant that our tall friend wasn't the only one watching me, somehow the people behind this guy's murder knew exactly when to flip the switch.

So I'm being watched, tracked and most definitely they read this blog. Well good, I want them to see me coming. I'm not sure what my next step is, but I have a few ideas, I did pick up a very important clue after all.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Oops

So may have jumped to a few conclusions.

So a while ago, back before mine and KnitWolf's death, I asked her for a favor, it was a very important favor, very important to me.

I asked her to hide a very important jar for me at a specific destination, so that when I came back, I would be able to find the jar. Reason I asked her for this very important favor is because at the time, my every move was being tracked by a certain fucker who I made a deal with for access to his domain, which allowed me to travel freely, just like I could when I was using the Path. He could track my every move, except for when I would stop by Knitty's place, her little hiding spot was special, it's as if it was protected by our Pale, Faceless Friend, whatever it was, I was practically invisible to my observer when being there.

The plan was, I give the jar to KnitWolf and she hides it for me at a specific destination after I had left, so that my observer wouldn't interfere.

As you can guess from my previous post, the jar wasn't there, which is what pissed me off. I thought over who could possibly have found it, if nobody else knew about it, but I couldn't figure it out, a scary thought started creeping into my mind, was I played? Did KnitWolf hide the jar somewhere else, so I wouldn't be able to find it? After all, our goals were always in conflict, I want to end this miserable and pointless existence, and all she wanted is to see her "family" safe. Did she screw me over?

I didn't want to believe it, I respected her, but it was the only lead I had. But how could I ask her, if she was dead? Her "Family", surely she would have told them something about this, right?

With that thought process, I booked a plane and traveled over to where Knitty's place was located before. I staked out the city's streets for several nights, finally found them, Hart and Fell, no mistake about it, that blue hair gave her away. They were clearly tracking someone else, some guy, by the looks of him, he was obviously a runner, what an amateur, started going through an empty lot, lots of open space, no people around, what an idiot.

Fell and Hart, I could see them, gearing up, putting their little masks on. As soon as they both finished gearing up, Hart immediately started dashing towards the poor bastard, I took my eyes off of Fell who remained still, in order to follow Hart's actions. The runner obviously heard Hart's footsteps, instead of running right off the bat, the idiot looked back to make sure the footsteps were coming towards him, when he started to turn back around in order to run, he was met with Fell's fist in his face. I didn't even notice how she managed to sneak up on him like that. Fell then proceeded to get on top of him and choke him to death, Hart ran up just in time, as he began to hold down the man's arms so he wouldn't be able to resist, eventually the idiot stopped squirming and died.

Never expected to see Hart high five Fell for murdering someone, considering how uch of a cry baby he was before, time's change I guess.

After that they took off their little masks and began to cross through the lots, out into the open field, heading towards the treeline. I quickly climbed down from my rooftop and began to follow them into the forest, following them through the field and the forest was a pain, shit was much easier when I had access to domains.

Eventually I began to see this big, abandoned house in the middle of this forest that they were heading towards, I figured that this was their point of destination, so I broke off from following them and began to go around to find an alternate way in. Which I did, I quietly sneaked through the building until I could hear their voices, at first I thought they were talking to each other, but there was another voice present, that's when I remembered the third member of Knit's "Family" Whelp, this was the perfect spot to confront them, dark, isolated, nobody would interfere and all of them were here.

I picked up the led pipe that was leaning against the nearby wall, made sure to sneak into the same room as they were in through the back entrance, stuck to the shadows so they wouldn't be able to see me and as soon as I managed to get close, I whacked the fuck out of Fell's skull with the led pipe, making her collapse on the ground, unconscious.

"What the fuck!?" Hart yelled out in obvious shock to the situation, immediately pulling out his crowbar, no doubt ready to throw down.

The plan was, knock out the most stubborn member of this "Family" and interrogate the ones who will easily break and tell me everything I need.

"Damn..." I must admit, it was very enjoyable to smash her over the head, the fact that I didn't have to listen to her run her mouth was a great bonus on top of that "Think I swung too hard?" I stepped out of the shadows, revealing my face to Hart.

"Ohhh Shit..." Was all that Hart could say upon seeing me, it was a satisfying feeling, to know that people still remembered you.

"Oh well, on the bright side, I won't have to deal with her running her mouth." I looked him directly in the eyes, making sure to solidify that I was no fake, that I was the real deal "Heya druggie, how ya been?"

Hart stared me down "What the fuck do you want!?"

From behind him, a familiar voice spoke up, what once was a young, naive and blind girl, who followed an insane priest like a sheep, was now a much older, just as scared, teenage girl, Whelp.

"K-Kelevra?" Even she remembered me, despite us never meeting in person, only in comments of these blogs, oh how I miss those days when I would try to convince her to take out her stupid, little flock that surrounded her at the time.

"Goodness me Hart, watch the language! There's kids here." I made sure to give her a friendly wave, after all, what am I? If not polite. But as much as I enjoyed saying hello, it was time to get down to business "As to what I want? Just to ask a question is all."

Hart's reaction to my query was a mocking snort, he wasn't taking this seriously, which is something he would soon begin to regret "Fine. Ask your question and leave."

I reminded Hart of mine and Knitty's little agreement before getting to the problem, which was the fact that the Jar was not there.

That made Hart smirk, that stupid, little smirk of his, oh how I would enjoy wiping it off of his face "Well that sucks for you doesn't it?" The ignorance, the lack of understanding of what was at stake, his tone was pissing me off "Wolf told me that she hid it right where you asked, so I don't know what you want from me."

I was not amused, in fact, in reality, I was fuming on the inside, which is what could have been clouding my judgment at the time "See, I don't really believe you. She could have fucked me over ‘cause she might have seen me as a threat to you and Fell, so now you could be jerking me around and I don't like that." Regardless, I was ready to throw down, as I morphed a sharp edged end from my jacket's sleeve.

"Of course she saw you as a threat. But she respected you for some reason, so she did what you asked" He was no better than Fell, just kept on running his mouth, boy how times have changed. "She did that for you, so shut your fucking mouth and leave."

Ah, now he was getting frustrated, now things were getting a bit more serious "Oh Hart, you know the reason I knocked her ass out is because I knew she would refuse to say anything, but it seems like you're the same way now." I formed the second sharp edged end with my other sleeve "A pity, really, I didn't want to, but I guess I'm simply going to have to beat the answer out of you."

Hart caught me by surprise as he instantly began running and swinging at me with his crowbar, the minus of not having Fortissimo be with me, is she doesn't act as my instinctive shield anymore, when we were together, she would always react to any potential harm comings towards us faster than me and would protect me. Now without her, I had to rely on my instincts and reflexes, I managed to duck away from Hart's crowbar, but not fast enough, the crowbar ended up grazing my head.

The hit was strong enough to get me off balance, managed to used the momentum to spin back around and launched tendril out of my sleeve at him. Was able to hit and cut him in the side, I heard him gasp in pain, now we were getting somewhere, I began to retract my tendril but was abruptly stopped, somebody was yanking my tendril to the side, away from Hart.

"Stop!" The young voice yelled out, it was Whelp, she was the one yanking my tendril to the side, with her own tendrils, I completely forgot that KnitWolf passed her a piece of her own Azoth before she died. Her tendrils were causing a burning sensation, which was growing the longer her Azoth remained attached to mine. Remembering that this piece of Azoth within Whelp at some point belonged to Knitty, I got an idea, an alternative way to getting my answers.

My thought process was cut short by Hart, who too the opportunity to swing his crowbar at the tendril which was being yanked away, exactly where my arm was located. The hit connected and it only intensified the burning sensation, it hurt like hell, but it didn't matter, because now I had a  new plan.

"Alright Harty, change of plans!" Had to slow the stubborn ass long enough for me to make my move, first thing's first, had to take away his weapon. I made the tendril that he hit grow out several smaller tendrils and grab the crowbar, make it get stuck to my sleeve. As I was doing that, I sent out another tendril from the back of my jacket, through the cracks in the ground, towards Whelp. As the small tendril reached Whelp, I made it pop out of the ground, piercing her foot. Whelp screamed out in pain as her own Azoth (Stitch) began to lift her off my tendril and push her away, the scream got Hart's attention, forcing him to take drastic action, which was an attempt from him to kick my legs.

However, as Whelp was being pushed away by her Azoth, naturally she began yanking me to the side even more, I stopped resisting and let the momentum pull me to the side, making Hart miss with his kick, but I knew I had to slow him down even more, so I planted my feet into the ground, stopping the momentum of the pull and sent out a tendril from my other sleeve at his leg, it was a direct hit, piercing his leg, that was enough.

I turned back to Whelp and began running towards her, retracting my tendril from Hart's leg. As I ran towards her, she sent her own tendrils at me, there was no room to dodge, momentum was on my side, I had to get to her as quickly as possible, so I had to let her tendrils pierce me. Every hit delivered excruciating pain, the burning sensation all over my body, I forgot how pain felt like, a refreshing reminder.

But it didn't stop me, eventually I reached her, I grabbed her neck with my free hand, this was it, finally some answers.

"Relax brat, I just want to ask a question." I sent out a small tendril from my sleeve into her nose, this was it, I finally got to ask her some questions, to confirm if I was deceived. It felt so strange, knowing that you are not all there, that you are somewhere else, whilst knowing that you are also left standing there, like a mindless husk, I'm still getting used to this revival, wish Fortissimo was with me, to guide me...

I got my answer, it was painful, I retracted my tendril from Whelp's nose with immense pain, no surprise, I was invading her home turf, of course I'd be kicked out in such a painful manner, my head was burning up, I wanted to comfort it with my free hand, but as I raised my arm to my head, I felt some sort of force pushing me to the side.

It was Hart, he tried to hit me in the head with his crowbar, however he ended up hitting my arm, the arm I tried to use to comfort my already burning head. I fell down, had to roll over, get some distance from Hart, the pain in my head was blinding "You bitch, you hurt me!"

Once the pain had passed a little, I could concentrate, I saw Hart walking towards me with his crowbar, a killers intent in his eyes, don't think I ever expected to see Hart so pissed, I have to tell you Harty, I like this new attitude. I rolled away from him yet again, sending tendrils out into the ground, which I then used to push me upwards on my feet.

I made a mistake, Knitty didn't deceive me, I was wrong, to further prolong the fight would be pointless. "Calm down, I got what I wanted. Turns out, you were telling the truth" All I could offer was a shrug, since I doubt he would take my apology "Woops"

From then on we parted ways. While this was a detour, it was a very important one, I needed to absolutely make sure that I was not deceived, glad to see that wasn't the case, I respect Knitty and it would hurt me greatly if she would use my respect for her against me. However, I do feel that I may have potentially burnt a bridge with her after this, which I've done with others whom I liked before, it's par for the course at this point, sacrifices must be made.

And even thought I still have no idea who might have stolen the jar, it's good to be back on track regardless.

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Enough Philosophizing, on with the Planning.

So as I've said previously, I've changed a lot since my return and my priorities have switched up a lot. See, before my untimely demise, I was unfocused, all over the place, hopping from one "project" to another, without sometimes even finishing the previous one I would start, or simply ending it abruptly. There seemed to be so many distractions in the way, preventing me from focusing on my end goal, I blame it all on the lack of socializing due to being locked up in an asylum for the majority of my life, imagine all those years, wasting your time doing nothing but starring at white walls, of course as soon as I start talking to people, I become curious and willing to postpone my plans to explore and learn.

And there were so many distractions too: Learning that I am a human being who is capable of emotion, thanks to my very strange friendship with Minxie; Finding out that there are people out there who are just as willing to do anything to protect their goals, like how Knitty was willing to sacrifice anything to protect her "family"; And arguably, the biggest distraction... him... my bizarre fascination with him...

And throughout all of those experiences, there was one constant, the ability to share my new findings with her, my special darling, the love of my life, Fortissimo. She was always there for me, sharing every little thing I would learn about myself, about the world, about her, about us.

So naturally, that is the first part of my long and meticulous plan, is to get back together with her. That's right, we've been separated the moment I was killed off, the plan was, once I return, I would find her once more and we would join together once again, like before. But someone decided to interfere with that plan, since I couldn't find her anywhere, it's so weird, thinking about something and not having here there to share my thoughts with, I don't like that feeling, it's a distraction, a distraction that needs to be quenched.

Plus, I promised her the front seat view to the end of the world, I promised her that we would be there, to enjoy the view together, I am not going back on my promise to her.

Whoever took her away from me, they will regret that decision, no doubt they are reading this blog right now, to keep an eye on me, to know what I might know. Well whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever your motives, I will find you, I will hurt you, I will re-join with her and then, I will let her do whatever she wants with you.

Be afraid, be very FUCKING afraid.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

Silence is so disappointing

So let me get this straight, I die for 4 years and everybody, all of a sudden begin to drop off the face of the earth? I mean, obviously Carter would still be around, I'm also really glad to see that Minxie is still here as well and there are a few, new players that have been introduced to the game. But overall, a lot of pieces seem to have dropped off, or just went silent.

Which is disappointing, the whole purpose of running their little blogs was to be able to socialize with people who are in the same situation, that you are in, right? Or maybe to document your memories? Or simply put, just to have fun. Back before my death, I made a post about how this little game has changed so much, the post was based off of a question that Morningstar was pondering at the time on his post which was, where were all of those brave heroes who were willing to fight back against their inevitable demise? In my post, I analyzed the state of the game at the time and how it has changed so much, that there were no more heroic pieces on the board, none of the people who were running, were fighting back anymore like in the old days. Only a few like Med, Annalee, Alex and... him... were putting up a fight, everyone else? Either sitting on the sidelines, or simply surviving for the sake of survival, not looking for any solutions to their problems, no. Now, the board was loaded with dark pieces, the only pieces that were willing to do whatever they could to achieve their goals despite the fact that they were being hunted by very powerful beings at the same time, pieces like: Morningstar, Redlight, Knitwolf and yours truly. There were no more heroes on the board, only villains, sometimes fighting amongst each other, sometimes working together, it was so much fun.

And now that I come back 4 years later, the game has turned yet again, now, almost everybody's gone!

KnitWolf is dead and her companions: Hart and Fell are doing, whatever they are doing in silence, part of me is glad that they didn't die and that Hart seems to have been able to pull Fell out of her self destructive path, but part of me can't shake this feeling that the reason for this prolonged silence, is because they are doing nothing, not continuing the Wolf's work, just darting from one place to the other, surviving, being non-factors. They are welcome to prove me wrong, if they somehow see this.

My good ol' friend Sanna is still around and it looks like she started dabbling in a little bit of research here and there, nice to see someone trying to do SOMETHING about their current predicament. I also like the attitude change, she comes off more ruthless than before, as I said Minxie, 4 years is a long time, I wonder how much you've changed? Are you still a protector? But what do you care the pondering of a faker, right?

Morningstar just disappeared, which is disappointing, considering the fact that he is a programmable puppet. I really hope that his silence is due to his owners deciding to put him on the shelf for the time being, or something and that it wasn't a complete personality wipe for him, which would mean that he is now a mindless husk, walking around somewhere. That would be so disappointing if that's what his reward was for ridding the world of Redlight yet again, with the help of some "friends". However, there is still hope for him to resurface, because, apparently, after the whole Redlight debacle, he became a part of some sort of team, but they've been inactive for 3 years now, looks like it, so fuck knows where Skywalker is today and if he is even himself.

And so many others, just disappeared, nobody there to bend the rules of the game any longer, it's all just so depressing. Even the dynamics have changed, the whole Proxy organization system is gone, fell apart, imploded in on itself. Severed party members running around, trying to salvage whatever they can, a lot of people dying in their attempts to run away from it all, inner fighting for control and backstabbing, everything's a mess and is in chaos, seems like the perfect time to return, right?

Right, so here I am, however, I changed as well, drastically and now, instead of simply bending the rules, I'm planning on setting the board itself on fire, my long lasting dream, I finally know a way of how to achieve it, an old friend showed me, during his last minutes and I intend to cash in on his findings. But before I can set the plan in motion, I need to prepare, which will take time, a lot of time, a lot of things to do, to retrieve and hopefully, a lot of new people to meet along the way, whether they will stand in my support, or in opposition, maybe I'll be able to run into some of the old faces mentioned above, wouldn't that be fun?

But no worries, I will keep you, those who care to check this blog, updated until the very end. After all, it is through this blogging business that I was able to make friends and to simply put it, it's just fun and is a good time spender.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

A Dry Voice

Not being able to feel anything physically, but be aware of the fact that you should be feeling something physically is an unnerving idea of a lifestyle and yet, that's how I existed prior to my demise, my body, in a state of paralysis, not being able to physically feel anything, at first, was very disorienting, forced me to rely on my other senses like Seeing and Hearing. As long as I could see my feet moving, I could walk; as long as I could hear the screams of people, I knew I was having an effect. So imagine when all of a sudden all of that is stripped from you, your eyes and ears which you've come to rely on extra hard, due to the paralysis within your body, it's unnerving, scary, to be stuck, not knowing where you are, not aware of your surroundings, not knowing if you are slowly being torn apart by someone's hands, all you're left is, is your own sinister imagination and very dark thoughts.

It felt, no, it was an eternity, that state, quite frankly, it was hell. It was really hard at first, disorientation was the main factor, imagine, one second being able to see and hear, and the next, it's all gone. You don't know where you are, what's happening to you, slowly but surely, your mind begins to conjure up theories, ideas, am I dead? Is this what happens after we die? Our awareness is just stuck somewhere after our bodies decay, trapped with our own thoughts, regrets and deepest secrets? Very disorienting indeed.

After a while, anger settles in, blood boiling frustration begins to build up, the catch is, of course, that you can't feel your blood boiling, so you're just stuck in this state of irritation, frustration and anger which continues to build. Everything I've ever done, everything I tried to achieve, all boiled down to this? How infuriating.

And then, little by little, you begin to get used to it, you realize the pointlessness of everything you've ever done as your memories begin to circle through your head, how meaningless your attempts at change were, if this was the final destination all along, if I knew ahead of time what this destination felt like, I would have committed suicide long ago, it's true what they say, ignorance is bliss.

I truly fear for anyone who experiences this feeling with Amnesia, can you imagine, the only place where the only thing you can ever do is replay your memories in your head and ponder on them, and you can't even do that because you can't remember anything, how much of philosophical drivel can you possibly go through before you run out of ideas and topics to analyze? Does your consciousness just stop working? Now there's a terrifying thought.

Luckily for me, I didn't get that far in my "Experience". That voice, it broke this eternal silence I was stuck for what seemed to be an eternity, I didn't hear it per se, I just seemed to understand the words and the tone, or maybe I've been deaf for so long, I forgot the mere concept of hearing. Regardless, at some point, this voice broke the silence around me, this scrawny, raspy, dead voice, and by "dead" I don't mean that it was lacking in any emotion, I mean it in a literal way, whenever it spoke, it lacked an organic feeling to it, you know how when we talk to each other, we can hear the "wet" aspect of people's voices? The saliva churning around in their mouth, the squishing of the tongue when we attempt to pronounce certain words, you know what I mean? It's all organic. This voice however, it's as if the source of it, was hollow inside, it lacked that "wet" aspect to it, it almost seemed wooden to an extent, unnerving.

"Funny" it began "All these thoughts and concerns, and not a single one of them about hunger. It's as if such a concept does not exist to you."

What a random comment upon my thoughts, I thought to myself and yet, so true, in all my time I spent pondering, analyzing and reviewing, all the deaths I've caused, all the ways I could have, or was currently dying and hunger, or starvation was never an option.

I answered, without uttering a word "True, but can you blame me? After all, hunger hasn't been a factor for change in the longest of times, so why even consider it?"

"Does it not strike fear into you, to experience starvation, to feel your body eat itself from the inside, trying it's hardest to find any substance to feed on, the endless void of pain that would come from your stomach which then would result in a slow and painful death?"

If I could laugh, I would laugh very loudly "Fear? No, how can you fear something that is not a risk? No, I am not afraid of hunger, because the world has more cows than it has humans at this point, shortage of food is a non-issue."

"Impossible, where peoples are fed, they will fuck. You must see the inevitable result." the voice seemed to be in dis-belief at my remark, almost as if it had not witnessed the current state of the world.

"Oh they will fuck alright, however, you assume that the constant expansion will result in shortage of food and you'd be wrong, simply because people have learned to produce food so fast that humanity is at a stalemate between the numbers of people and cattle on earth, it's been like that for years, no, hunger isn't a threat, in fact, it's quite the opposite."

"Explain." the voice demanded, sounding annoyed at my proposal.

"Do you realize that humanity exists in an age where there are entire careers based on ending unborn lives? Whether it be for selfish reasons like preventing financial ruination, or for noble ones so that the unborn wouldn't have to suffer from some sort of health deterioration whilst growing up. There are also those who would seek to prevent such careers from growing, believing that all life is sacred and you have no right to end it, despite the fact they indeed do have the right, but that is of course if we're following the rights presented by the law, rather than our own personal beliefs. However, some of these people obsess so much over their beliefs on the preservation of life, that they would actively end the lives of those who practice the career I mentioned before. It's a funny conundrum isn't it? On one hand you have those who kill unborn children to either relieve them of their inevitable pain they will have to go through when they will be growing up, or relieve the mother of the pain and loss that comes with raising a child. On the other hand, you have those who will fight for the preservation of the unborn lives, preaching that any life matters, to the point where they will not hesitate to kill those who will practice the murder of unborn lives."

"That does sound like a troublesome stalemate." 

"Oh yeah, but you know what the really scary part about all of that is? Both sides are so certain in what they do, they are so sure in the validity of their beliefs and actions, that they do not stop, or outright refuse to acknowledge the massive contradiction within their plans. Do you know how many people are out there like that? People everywhere, knowing who they were and where they were going, so many of them! Do you think such certainty would exist if starvation was a threat?"

"No."

"Of course not! Fear is only effective when there is a risk of losing something of value, tell me, could anything that was so plentiful have any value? Is life really sacred, or is it an epidemic? A kind of infection, eating up the whole world? Is it really such a bad thing to stop some people from being born, or to just outright kill some of them off?"

The eternal silence that I was stuck in for so long on my own, returned for a little while, the voice said nothing for a long time, so I felt like I needed to say something in the end, because I remembered a few people I've met during my time when I could hear and see.

"You know what my favorite theory about humans that I heard is? That at some point, there will be this great starvation epidemic and people will have to resort to cannibalizing each other, I always laughed at that notion. The only reason people will start cannibalizing each other in todays day and age, is not going to be from shortage of food, it's going to be from their own certainty, that they have to do it, whether it will be out of some dark and twisted belief, or just simply because they have a craving for something different other than cattle meat."

Silence would continue and that voice would never return. I was stuck with my thoughts once again.






4 years, huh? Never thought it would take so long for me to come back. What was it, exactly 100 posts? What say we go for another 100?

Monday, May 26, 2014

You can all celebrate, since this is a Goodbye for me.

If you’re reading this, then… I finally decided to ascend to a different reality, where I might achieve my dream. Looking back on it now, my latest post, seems like I lost my mind for a second, it happens, I am human after all…or used to be and still, just like any of you, I am victim to emotion and no matter how much you try, you can’t escape it, you always feel.

All I ever wanted was to destroy the world, so that someone can rebuild it in a better light. Both acts are equally hard to commit, whoever told you that breaking is easier than fixing, their wrong. I had to go through so many lives, make other people's lives a living nightmare and I never felt bad about it. But this is where being a human comes and bites you in the ass, because, while you don't feel bad, you sympathize, because you are afraid, afraid of losing something those people lost, their goals, their purpose to life and that is probably the only thing I am afraid of, losing sight of my dreams, losing the ability to fulfill them and as I write this, I am surrounded with fear and that is why Incognito will take me down, I am afraid, fear limits me, not a good time to start being afraid...oh well, can't control our feelings.

I don’t usually do this, but please, for me, please, turn on this song and read with this song turned on the next paragraph, thank you.

And so Ladies and Gentlemen…

One man was always in pain, it was either too hot for him, or too cold. A lot of this, a lot of that, sometimes he wanted to yell from happiness, sometimes get into a corner from depression. From worry, his heart was getting paler, his body was slowly falling apart and thoughts were slowly getting stale in his head. And when he completely stopped changing, Death came and took him away.

“Well, did you enjoy, living?” Asked Death.

“Well and yes, and no: Life has sun, pleasure and love, but it also has coldness, disappointment and pain, but mainly, I didn’t find a meaning in it.”

Death giggled “When you were alive, there was a meaning, but along the way you lost it. So I’ll give you some advice, on how you can fix things. Talk to three teachers, they’ll help you remember everything.” After these words, Death turned into a butterfly and…

Darkness engulfed the man; the darkness was silent.

“How scary and cold, I will never be able to find anyone in this darkness.” Mumbled the man.

“I WAS WAITING FOR YOU!” It was the first teacher, Black God. He lived deep underground and was darkness itself. He said that the soul of a human, at the same time, without a stop, shines out both: Happiness and Sadness, which means that Human is the origin of everything. But only when the soul of a human is in balance, his empire is ruled by FREEDOM.

“I was waiting for you…” whispered the second Teacher, White God. He lived up high and was light itself, he told the man that eternity is now; that past and future are simply different forms of human memory, but only when a human is not living by the past and doesn’t run off into the future, his empire is ruled by FREEDOM.

“Why are you not looking for the Third Teacher” Asked Death.

“I was waiting for you; I want to tell you about the Black and White God’s, they were talking about the same thing but at the same time, about different things.”

“What were they talking about?”

“They were talking about me. I choose between White and Black; I choose between Good and Evil; Action and Absence of Action. I along with the world create everything and both of us create each other. When I bring beauty into this world, it becomes beautiful; when I bring destruction it becomes ruthless. That’s the point of life, I remembered.”

“Well, you found the Third Teacher” Said Death “Your own “I” now go ahead, tell others about it.”

Once the man got out into the real world, he started teaching everyone and became a great teacher. He lived far out on a hill and his house was always taken care of by his Gardner, whom loved his wise Teacher. The Gardner glowed in the dark and once The Teacher asked him: “How are you doing this?”

The Gardner said that he doesn’t know, that every second he reads this prayer which the teacher taught him.
“But you’re reading it incorrectly.” Corrects him the Teacher “You’re doing a mistake in this word, and this word and this one; you have to read like this…” The Gardner loved his Teacher very much so he did as he said…and stopped glowing.

After a few days, The Teacher calls his Gardner once again and says “You know, I talked with the Gods and they said, that you can read the prayer, like you read it before.”

And so ladies and Gentlemen, as we all know the world is surrounded by many paths, but they split into only two categories: The Path with a Heart and without a Heart. And the funny thing is, that those paths don’t differ that much, they are simply paths and none of them lead anywhere, unless we don’t splatter bits of our hearts on them. And talking very simply, this is the point: if you feel like you’re living with a person who doesn’t love you, leave, leave without regrets; if up until this point you’re doing something, that you never wanted to do, leave, leave without regrets! There is no Proxy, nor Runner, there is only your personal “I”, you are what you choose to be, you create Runner; Proxy; Survivor; Fighter etc… Not the other way around and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Do not Fear my friends, never Fear, do not limit yourselves with Fear, I did it at the final hour and it will be my undoing.




Thank you everybody, who over the time here, decided to put effort into these pieces, it means a lot to me, it means I am immortal, thank you:

 
         by KnitWolf                                                             by AliciaOwly\Shine    
         by Knitwolf     


Minxie: You were my first friend in all of this, even after I betrayed you and treated you like crap, you still considered me to be your friend and I appreciate it, I appreciate it immensely. You showed me, that I am still a human and I can change. I changed you and you changed me, I believe you have finally found your purpose, you have finally let go of your limits and I’m happy to be able to see it before I go away, your latest comments, your eyes are filled with confidence, you’re going to be alright. You are a protector, you want to protect the people around you, your protection instincts are sharper than your killer instincts and while that is not the outcome I was hoping for, it is the outcome you chose and at the end of the day, I can honestly say that I'm proud. Look at your older posts and look at you now, you changed, Fear no longer holds limits over you, never let it take the upper hand again. Thank you.

Veigar: Sorry my last post seemed not too professional to you. While you might have not understood me on a deep level, you appreciated my work and it always feels good and it inspires you to keep doing what you’re doing, when someone constantly shows their appreciation for your work. Thank you.

KnitWolf: I hope, somehow, you can see this. Thank you, sincerely, you were neither my enemy, or my friend, you were a colleague, you and I, we didn’t have a connection, or anything na├»ve like that. We had an understanding and respect, we knew what kind of process of thinking both of us went through, however, we never knew what exactly we thought and that is beautiful, I hope your friends succeed in whatever plan you have come up with and I hope they don’t fail. You hear me Fell and Hart, it is up to you now, to fulfill whatever she thought of. And Fell, these words are especially for you, you have to believe me when I say this, Knitty is still with you, she's watching over all of you and I bet she doesn't want to see you drinking yourself to death, I hope you know that, I bet you do.

Morningstar: I’ll open you a secret, I never liked you, I respected you, but I never liked you and somehow, I think you thought the same thing about me. It was fun, to talk to you, to encounter you, etc… Thanks, for making my time on this land, exciting.

Rose: I’m sorry; you sacrificed yourself, to grant me a gift, access to a safe place, a sacred ground where none of those vile creatures can access it. You granted me safety, but you granted me safety before, through your words, you were never judgmental and you never accused me of anything, when I talked to you, it’s as if I was talking to a being that was able to take away all the pain in the world, thank you.

Fortissimo: I’m not saying goodbye, I love you, you’ve been with me through thick and thin, you never questioned my loyalty, or my actions, you’ve always been there for me and I’m happy, that I get to become a part of you.

And finally…

Anton: I’m sorry, if I made your survival a living hell and I’m sorry for breaking you, but you must understand that I had to, in order to prolong your survival. If you kept these secrets hidden, locked away, blocked, you wouldn’t be able to carry on; you would accept that woman and you would hate yourself forever. Thank you, for being the one, to send me off on my journey and once again, I’m sorry.


And with these words, goodbye, but not forever, as I say this, I drop my own piece off of the board into the eternal abyss so The Game Master doesn’t have any control over me, once I’m gone.

Heh...Exactly 100 posts, how symbolic.