Welp, I think I'm alright now, whatever that shit was, seems to have went away, or at least subdued to a great length, who would have thought that all I needed was a little heart to heart. Ordinarily, if I was looking for a heart to heart, back in my previous life, I would seek out Rose, that woman had a magical amount of patience and absolutely no disdain for anything, or anyone, but she's dead.
I could go to Knitty, but: 1. She already has a guest planned; 2. Something tells me, there'd be less talking and more fighting on my second visit.
Of course I could visit Minxie, which I am eventually planning on doing, don't you worry Minxie. But considering she has her own inner turmoil going on right now, that she needs to figure out, not an ideal person to visit, for a therapeutic talk. Besides, I want my visit to her to be fun, not some boring conversation about personal beliefs and philosophies.
No, what I needed, is to talk to someone who I had a deep understanding of. Thing I didn't tell all of you before, is when I paid my visit to Mendella on his farm, the information on my darling's captors wasn't the only thing I asked for, I also asked for the location of the burial spot, the burial spot of what remained of him, after Slendy, presumably ripped him to shreds, leaving only his arm behind.
That's right, Mendella gave him a make-shift burial, in butt fuck nowhere, no fancy graves, no nothing, which is fitting, Incognito always wanted to be off the radar. So I visited the location, not empty handed of course, prior to my visit, I made sure to remove any information that was available on Incognito within various networks, Dimir's computer was a big help in that regard. Printed out last bits of information which were stored on that computer, deleted them and brought the physical copies to his "grave". The files included information about his past, his service within the government, family, everything of relevance basically, I put them in a nice pile and burned them right then and there, making a small little camp fire.
We talked about lots of things, the good times, the bad times, how I managed to get under his skin and how he got under mine, I spent good 5 hours there, sitting under that tree, looking up at the stars, all the while talking to a dead man.
One VERY relevant topic I tackled with him, is what Dimir said, that my fascination with Incognito came from the deep understanding that he was in a very similar position that I was. We both had unrealistically, unreachable goals and we both had the drive to ignore that fact and still strive for them. Now I can't say for sure whether that was the true reason as to why my human self, back then, found such fascination with the man, but looking back on it, it must have been the case, since there is ultimately nothing else that ties me to this man. Maybe my past self felt lonely, in his pursuit of his goal and once he saw Sergei, who had a completely different goal, but a similar dilemma, he saw a brother in arms. I can't say, because this is new me, whatever thoughts I was left with from my previous life, do not answer this question.
All my previous self left me in regards to Incognito, are the memories of their encounters and feelings of respect and admiration, that's it. And those are the left over feelings Dimir targeted in his attempt to get to me, I'm not saying mean words from a crippled old man was the reason I was acting off, these past few days, no, I'm convinced that state came from our confrontation with Starman, Dimir just added fuel to the fire, so it was very important to face those left over feelings and understand that they are there and it's not yet the time to get rid of them entirely and I'm happy I could do it right next to his grave.
After our long conversation ended, I dug up whatever remains were still intact and threw them into the fire.
Now, he is completely gone from this world, except that little blog he left behind, I could delete it, but I don't want to completely erase the memory of the man, funny coming from me right? A guy hell bent on erasing everything and everyone. But the existence of that blog, kind of highlights perfectly the reason why I do what I do, somebody, some day, will stumble upon his blog and disregard it as some goofy writings of an internet user, perfectly highlighting the pointlessness of it all.
Overall, I'm glad to be out of Russia.
