Not being able to feel anything physically, but be aware of the fact that you should be feeling something physically is an unnerving idea of a lifestyle and yet, that's how I existed prior to my demise, my body, in a state of paralysis, not being able to physically feel anything, at first, was very disorienting, forced me to rely on my other senses like Seeing and Hearing. As long as I could see my feet moving, I could walk; as long as I could hear the screams of people, I knew I was having an effect. So imagine when all of a sudden all of that is stripped from you, your eyes and ears which you've come to rely on extra hard, due to the paralysis within your body, it's unnerving, scary, to be stuck, not knowing where you are, not aware of your surroundings, not knowing if you are slowly being torn apart by someone's hands, all you're left is, is your own sinister imagination and very dark thoughts.
It felt, no, it was an eternity, that state, quite frankly, it was hell. It was really hard at first, disorientation was the main factor, imagine, one second being able to see and hear, and the next, it's all gone. You don't know where you are, what's happening to you, slowly but surely, your mind begins to conjure up theories, ideas, am I dead? Is this what happens after we die? Our awareness is just stuck somewhere after our bodies decay, trapped with our own thoughts, regrets and deepest secrets? Very disorienting indeed.
After a while, anger settles in, blood boiling frustration begins to build up, the catch is, of course, that you can't feel your blood boiling, so you're just stuck in this state of irritation, frustration and anger which continues to build. Everything I've ever done, everything I tried to achieve, all boiled down to this? How infuriating.
And then, little by little, you begin to get used to it, you realize the pointlessness of everything you've ever done as your memories begin to circle through your head, how meaningless your attempts at change were, if this was the final destination all along, if I knew ahead of time what this destination felt like, I would have committed suicide long ago, it's true what they say, ignorance is bliss.
I truly fear for anyone who experiences this feeling with Amnesia, can you imagine, the only place where the only thing you can ever do is replay your memories in your head and ponder on them, and you can't even do that because you can't remember anything, how much of philosophical drivel can you possibly go through before you run out of ideas and topics to analyze? Does your consciousness just stop working? Now there's a terrifying thought.
Luckily for me, I didn't get that far in my "Experience". That voice, it broke this eternal silence I was stuck for what seemed to be an eternity, I didn't hear it per se, I just seemed to understand the words and the tone, or maybe I've been deaf for so long, I forgot the mere concept of hearing. Regardless, at some point, this voice broke the silence around me, this scrawny, raspy, dead voice, and by "dead" I don't mean that it was lacking in any emotion, I mean it in a literal way, whenever it spoke, it lacked an organic feeling to it, you know how when we talk to each other, we can hear the "wet" aspect of people's voices? The saliva churning around in their mouth, the squishing of the tongue when we attempt to pronounce certain words, you know what I mean? It's all organic. This voice however, it's as if the source of it, was hollow inside, it lacked that "wet" aspect to it, it almost seemed wooden to an extent, unnerving.
"Funny" it began "All these thoughts and concerns, and not a single one of them about hunger. It's as if such a concept does not exist to you."
What a random comment upon my thoughts, I thought to myself and yet, so true, in all my time I spent pondering, analyzing and reviewing, all the deaths I've caused, all the ways I could have, or was currently dying and hunger, or starvation was never an option.
I answered, without uttering a word "True, but can you blame me? After all, hunger hasn't been a factor for change in the longest of times, so why even consider it?"
"Does it not strike fear into you, to experience starvation, to feel your body eat itself from the inside, trying it's hardest to find any substance to feed on, the endless void of pain that would come from your stomach which then would result in a slow and painful death?"
If I could laugh, I would laugh very loudly "Fear? No, how can you fear something that is not a risk? No, I am not afraid of hunger, because the world has more cows than it has humans at this point, shortage of food is a non-issue."
"Impossible, where peoples are fed, they will fuck. You must see the inevitable result." the voice seemed to be in dis-belief at my remark, almost as if it had not witnessed the current state of the world.
"Oh they will fuck alright, however, you assume that the constant expansion will result in shortage of food and you'd be wrong, simply because people have learned to produce food so fast that humanity is at a stalemate between the numbers of people and cattle on earth, it's been like that for years, no, hunger isn't a threat, in fact, it's quite the opposite."
"Explain." the voice demanded, sounding annoyed at my proposal.
"Do you realize that humanity exists in an age where there are entire careers based on ending unborn lives? Whether it be for selfish reasons like preventing financial ruination, or for noble ones so that the unborn wouldn't have to suffer from some sort of health deterioration whilst growing up. There are also those who would seek to prevent such careers from growing, believing that all life is sacred and you have no right to end it, despite the fact they indeed do have the right, but that is of course if we're following the rights presented by the law, rather than our own personal beliefs. However, some of these people obsess so much over their beliefs on the preservation of life, that they would actively end the lives of those who practice the career I mentioned before. It's a funny conundrum isn't it? On one hand you have those who kill unborn children to either relieve them of their inevitable pain they will have to go through when they will be growing up, or relieve the mother of the pain and loss that comes with raising a child. On the other hand, you have those who will fight for the preservation of the unborn lives, preaching that any life matters, to the point where they will not hesitate to kill those who will practice the murder of unborn lives."
"That does sound like a troublesome stalemate."
"Oh yeah, but you know what the really scary part about all of that is? Both sides are so certain in what they do, they are so sure in the validity of their beliefs and actions, that they do not stop, or outright refuse to acknowledge the massive contradiction within their plans. Do you know how many people are out there like that? People everywhere, knowing who they were and where they were going, so many of them! Do you think such certainty would exist if starvation was a threat?"
"No."
"Of course not! Fear is only effective when there is a risk of losing something of value, tell me, could anything that was so plentiful have any value? Is life really sacred, or is it an epidemic? A kind of infection, eating up the whole world? Is it really such a bad thing to stop some people from being born, or to just outright kill some of them off?"
The eternal silence that I was stuck in for so long on my own, returned for a little while, the voice said nothing for a long time, so I felt like I needed to say something in the end, because I remembered a few people I've met during my time when I could hear and see.
"You know what my favorite theory about humans that I heard is? That at some point, there will be this great starvation epidemic and people will have to resort to cannibalizing each other, I always laughed at that notion. The only reason people will start cannibalizing each other in todays day and age, is not going to be from shortage of food, it's going to be from their own certainty, that they have to do it, whether it will be out of some dark and twisted belief, or just simply because they have a craving for something different other than cattle meat."
Silence would continue and that voice would never return. I was stuck with my thoughts once again.
4 years, huh? Never thought it would take so long for me to come back. What was it, exactly 100 posts? What say we go for another 100?
