Now, I am a liar, I lied, for the first time in my life, I LIED and I hate lying, but, it couldn't have been helped.
In order to understand this post, you need to read this.
Minxie, Sanna... Alexandria, I am sorry, I truly am and I'm never sorry. I betrayed you, I stabbed you in the back, I LIED. I'm also sorry that you don't consider my to be your friend anymore, I truly am, because I still consider you to be my friend.
Understand Minxie, I have a mission, a very important mission on my hands, my time is coming and I need to work on everything perfectly. And that meant getting those documents any way I could, now see, I could have just went to Lovett's place and murder everyone in sight, problem with that is, that tricky fuck, could have destroyed the documents as soon as I appeared near his place, so I had to strike a deal.
You can say, I could have killed Artsyom and kept the end of my bargain, but fact of the matter is, that is your matter, I do not want to interfere, you grew up, I helped raise you and you must deal with him on your own. I didn't sell you out, I simply didn't touch your road block, it is yours to move.
Why did I lie? As I said, I have a mission which I must pursue, which I've been pursuing for years and years now. And I'll tell you now, there was never anything more important than my mission, not my enemies, not Marshmallow, not my friends, not even my love for my Darling. And when it comes down to it, I don't care on who's neck I must step, who's back I must stab, who's family I must kill, who I must turn against me and who I must work with. I don't care, as long as it gives me closer to my goal and getting those documents was one of the things that would push me closer towards my goal.
It wasn't my desire to turn you into a monster, you already are a monster, it's just a ridiculous chance of circumstance that Lovett decided to strike that EXACT deal with me, to off your daddy. Now if Lovett asked for something else, anything else, this wouldn't have happened at all.
But you're right, I never was interested in who you are...or should I say, were. The first time I met you, I wanted to murder you, but as we proceeded to talk, I started liking you, but your piece, was insignificant, it was nothing, in fact, it was about to fall off. So I took the initiative into my hands and try and give you "advice" to which you listened. And you grew, and as you grew, I got more attached as a friend. Until the day when you finally grew up, only then, did I start caring about you as a person, but not as much, as I care about my goal.
I sacrificed everything for my goals, I sacrificed my family, I sacrificed my humanity, I sacrificed so many other lives and finally, I sacrificed my friendship and my honesty. And I'll be honest with all of you, I'm not regretting any of it, because I'm doing what I was born to do, simple as that.
I'd rather be hated for what I am, than loved for something that I'm not.
Having said that, I feel sorry that you don't consider me to be your friend anymore.
Hmm.
ReplyDeleteI'm not crying or wanting to shoot something as much after reading this, which I guess is a plus. Don't expect me to mend bridges in just a few hours, though.
Firstly, I commend your honesty. Had you tried to bullshit your way out of this, I would have been even more upset.
I haven't told everyone what happened when I met Artsyom yet. Please understand that I might not have been as upset if I hadn't had the shit beat out of me. Violence is pretty much the only problem solving method he knows, although I guess you weren't to know that.
Frankly, I'm more angry at myself than you, and even Artsyom. It would be easier if I hated you more than I hate myself, but that's not the case. If I didn't hate myself, I just wonder how many times I could receive the shitty end of the stick from you and only have "it's his goal" to fall back on. I envision that getting old fast.
I actually still consider you a friend, in my heart, in fact I would walk the gallows for you, but here's the thing. This is probably the first time I've used logic instead of how I feel. I can keep being your friend, but I tell you - it's probably not going to be healthy for me, it never was, and I've only just truly admitted that to myself.
So I dunno man. I need to think about it some more. The fact that this comment contains just three expletives is probably a good sign though.
Glad you understand, at least. I'd like to think that this finally tells you, that even your greatest friend will back stab you for their own goals. No matter how painful it is, it's a fact, that's how it always was, is and will be.
DeleteAnd I'm glad to see that you finally realize that.
Ahahahaha! How's it feel to be a scumbag like me?
ReplyDeleteWhat are you gloating about? You gloating about being a failing father? Gloating about making a murdering sociopath make your own flesh and blood trust you, since you yourself couldn't do it? No Artsyom, you are not a scumbag, I'm a scumbag. But you, you are a failure, I told you that several times, how long does it take for your little brain to get it through your thick skull? You are a failure, get it? A FAILURE! Nothing but a crying, moaning, little bitch.
DeleteYou failed at making Minxie trust you, you failed at trying to get her back on your own, you failed at your little manipulative games, you FAILED at making her hate me, but most of all, you FAILED as a father. You FAILED in life! You FAILED at one thing you were born to do! YOU ARE A FAILURE!
And I am glad I got to bite off your ear, wish I could bite more of you off, but I preserve that moment for Minxie. That is the only reason why I left you alive Artsyom, you are my gift to Minxie, my ultimate gift.
Say your prayers motherfucker, cause the place you're going to? I've seen it, bitches like you don't keep their sanity for long there. Enjoy breathing for as much as you can.
Man, you seem somewhat bitter that you suborned yourself to a failure.
DeleteIndeed I am, I said I will do anything to achieve my goals, that means I will stoop to such lowes, to strike a deal with a Failure. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
DeleteBut you didn't 'strike a deal'. Striking a deal implies equivalent exchange. You just gave him what he wanted. You served him.
DeleteNo, he gave me what I wanted, he gave me his ear, which in result gave me what I wanted from you. It is a deal, a very complicated deal.
DeleteLike you couldn't have taken his ear by force if you had the inclination.
DeleteUltimately, Kelevra, you gave me Alexandria in return for some documents. Trade is trade, deals are deals, currency is currency. It just happens that I only had to trade in one ear, to receive a whole person. What a nice deal you guys got me.
DeleteI knew it was right on so many levels, Kelevra. I got Alexandria, and I got her to see you for the scumbag you are. You prided yourself on never lying. All I had to do was give you a reason to lie. I thought you wouldn't do it, but - you did, and HOW! You did the signing, sealing and delivery of what I wanted! You cut me a fucking amazing deal and I am a very happy customer.
Oh, and it's soooo cute when you try to scare me with your little stories of the afterlife. If I'm going there, Alexandria's going as well.
DeleteAlso, if I'm a failure as a father, how come I have Alexandria and she's starting to hate you? Have you ever considered that when you call me a failure, you're just saying that because I made choices you personally wouldn't have made? In the end, I have the things I want. I suggest revising what you consider to be a failure.
Doesn't matter if she's starting to hate me, she hated you from the beginning until the very end. That my friend, is why you are a failure.
DeleteAnd another reason I'm fascinated by you Kelevra.
ReplyDeleteYou have a clear and defined goal that you've yet to stray very far from. And that's one of the many differences between you and the pieces of trash I have to work with. There's no wasted energy with you. Seemingly every action you've done up to this point is still leading up the grand climax that is going to shatter any expectations I may have.
But I digress.
This is why your file is my favourite. This is why you excite me so much.
This is why you are one of the only individuals I will ever, truly, give legitimate respect towards.
-Veigar
Glad to hear that Veigy, knowing that I got someone's respect means a lot, means that whatever I'm doing, weather it's wrong, or right it inspires people, which in result makes them remember you, which in result immortalizes me.
DeleteAlso, I will be dropping by your place very soon, to take away those files from you, so expect me soon.
I'm honestly looking forward to it.
Delete-Veigar
Some things are worth sacrificing all else for...
ReplyDeleteYou stick to your path with the same tenacity with which I stick to my own. I certainly can't fault you for that.
I would never fault anyone for following these path type things, even if I am more of an off-road kind of girl.
DeleteI just can't stick the cognitive dissonance on my part. When Maddie sold me, maybe she was just following her path so I wrongly punished her for it. Maybe I have no path because I'm supposed to be the currency they use to get by, the chattel.
Yeah, because people should get a free pass to do whatever they want, as long as they're 'following their path'.
DeleteIt's not wrong to punish people for doing you wrong, even if they're following a path. You aren't supposed to be anything. It isn't preordained, or the natural order of things. It isn't right. Don't tell yourself anything different.
Sanna, not to be rude dear, but do you just spend every waking moment of your life looking for reasons to hate and punish yourself?
DeleteImagine how far you would go if you put that energy into other things.
If you want my opinion, you are still in the process of finding your own path. I suspect that you will find it eventually... If you can just stop turning inward for a few precious moments.
Let me see if I can explain how this works in my mind...
I suspect that you have read at least part of my blog. Thus, I'm sure you have some idea about my feelings on revenge? Perhaps you will also remember my relationship with Sunshine?
When Penelope managed to capture him, I was distraught, yet at the same time I knew she had the right to seek revenge for the pain he had caused her. I accepted her path, yet I would not hesitate to try to end her if given the chance. She was following her path. I was following mine. They conflicted. Do you understand what I'm getting at?
Not rude. Just honest. And frankly, yes. Although I wouldn't phrase it quite like that. My stepdad (rest his soul) was a firm believer in the motto 'you get what you deserve' and raised me accordingly. Me, I think it's harsh to apply it to other people since you don't have all the facts about them and you never will. But I do apply it to myself. That's just me.
DeleteInward is really the only place to turn, inward is where I've always turned, I don't recall it ever letting me down.
I can, if anything, credit Kelevra for bringing attention to the fact that I have a lot of issues with myself. I've never been able to really identify those issues, though, and I doubt I ever will. I'm not really perceptive or creative enough for that kind of thing.
I don't want a path, so much as I want a destination. If I had a destination, I wouldn't need to blindly follow any path. I like to know where I am going, to have some stability, but I never have. Nothing stays.
You keep turning inwards, you find it harder to turn back to the world.
DeleteYou don't recall it letting you down?
DeleteTell me, how much did turning on yourself help the situation when your "father" was killing people to try to force you to meet?
How much good is it doing you now?
As for a destination... What do you mean? A goal to pursue? Or do you mean some kind of certainty-where you know how it all will end?
Not sure that kind of true stability really exists for anyone, dear
It helped stop anyone else from getting hurt and that's all that matters. That was a hit I needed and deserved to take; I didn't and still don't want to drag anyone else into it. Not Lovett, not Kelevra, not anyone.
DeleteNo, I swear stability does exist, I swear I've seen it. Stability is like... "normalcy". No, normalcy's the wrong word, it implies monsters don't exist. Maybe... routines? You're staying in a cabin, right? You probably have a morning routine of sorts, presumably consistent sleeping patterns and a set time to eat, you probably sleep in the same bed you did the previous night. Like when I was staying with Lovett in Moldova, we were just in one place with a random morning routine, and when I was travelling with Incognito, I was outright given a routine to follow (I don't know if he deducted that I needed stability through his own analysis, but I guess it doesn't matter.)
I've thought about it so much throughout growing up. Think of routines like rituals. Rituals have been performed through pretty much any and every culture throughout human history. That kind of thing resonates with what it means to be a human being. I mean, I vaguely recall Kelevra's mantra being 'seven', the number, determining how much sugar goes in his tea. That's a ritual. Incognito begins his posts with what day it is and numbers the report, and then concludes it. Believe it or not, that's a ritual too. Maybe it gives them comfort, maybe it's practical for them, maybe it's something they learned somewhere else.
Stability is hard to come by for me. Even in my childhood, me and my brother and sisters kept a suitcase packed because my mam could come in at any moment and claim she was leaving my stepdad for real this time. Then we'd spend the night at a hotel or in a parked car. Of course she'd be back the next day, and then maybe the night after that she'd drag us out again. And then back the next day. Not to mention I always was kind of on my toes in that house for... reasons you're all familiar with by now.
@KnitWolf: Thank you Knitty, I knew you would understand, means a lot.
DeleteIs there anyway to get rid of that black stuf or to make it stop once its in your body?
ReplyDelete-Laura
Uuh... well, this is probably the shittiest most hopeless advice I've ever given, but I can't think of anything else.
DeleteMy Mam is Moldovan and in Moldovan and also Romanian tradition, we use salt, clean water and mercury to ward off evil, it protects children against pricolici and valve padurii (dark shapeshifters that always guard forests, like azoth people. Some are good but some are very very bad.) Just get a drop of clean water, from snow or whatever, get some salt, and then smash a thermometre and get the mercury. Also, be careful with mercury, don't get it on your skin and don't ingest it; it's poisonous. Just keep it all in a tiny plastic bag wrapped up in tape, or smush it all into a locket and wear that round your neck, just keep it with you at all times.
Christ, I'm resorting to superstition already....
Father! How nice of you to join us.
DeleteNo, there is no way to get rid of it, well, unless you want to kill her along with the substance, that is the only way.
The only thing she can do, is either embrace it, or get taken over by it. The choice is hers.
This isnt Father Brien, Im just using his account
DeleteI dont want to be taken over but i cant embrace something so awful either
If I kill myself I will go to Hell but im probably going there no matter what I do its better then hurting anyone else
why didnt she kill me
-Laura
Sounds like you're going to have to pick one, Laura, and it is better that you pick rather than having it pick for you.
DeleteFirst step, name it, 'cause if you name it, you own it. Noting the trend for polysyllabic Italian musical terms (Fortissimo) and Germanic derived words (Skein), you might want to opt for something else entirely.
Right now I'mma push Nadejde, cause that's the Romanian word for hope and I really fucking hope you find the least violent way out of this. That said, it seems that Kelevra and Wolf have opted for names that resonate with them on a personal level. Do you have any hobbies? Favourite saints?
Apologies for mis-reading. Dear child, understand something, there is no greater power, other than your own. YOU are the one who sets your limits and YOU are the one who choses where they want to go, heaven or hell. There is no GOD and if there was, he is a big ass hypocrite, because he chooses your fate, which is not how it works.
DeleteYou create your own world and if you can't, then you are stuck being a slave to other people who have their worlds and up until this point, you were a slave to several people, people like: Father Brien, Knitty and of course, you God.
Once you realize that and admit it to yourself, only then, can you get in terms with your other self. THAT is when your life, becomes much, much more meaningful. Your own beliefs, your own priorities, not the ones that were written in a book centuries ago.
Get with the program.