A Dry Voice

Not being able to feel anything physically, but be aware of the fact that you should be feeling something physically is an unnerving idea of a lifestyle and yet, that's how I existed prior to my demise, my body, in a state of paralysis, not being able to physically feel anything, at first, was very disorienting, forced me to rely on my other senses like Seeing and Hearing. As long as I could see my feet moving, I could walk; as long as I could hear the screams of people, I knew I was having an effect. So imagine when all of a sudden all of that is stripped from you, your eyes and ears which you've come to rely on extra hard, due to the paralysis within your body, it's unnerving, scary, to be stuck, not knowing where you are, not aware of your surroundings, not knowing if you are slowly being torn apart by someone's hands, all you're left is, is your own sinister imagination and very dark thoughts.

It felt, no, it was an eternity, that state, quite frankly, it was hell. It was really hard at first, disorientation was the main factor, imagine, one second being able to see and hear, and the next, it's all gone. You don't know where you are, what's happening to you, slowly but surely, your mind begins to conjure up theories, ideas, am I dead? Is this what happens after we die? Our awareness is just stuck somewhere after our bodies decay, trapped with our own thoughts, regrets and deepest secrets? Very disorienting indeed.

After a while, anger settles in, blood boiling frustration begins to build up, the catch is, of course, that you can't feel your blood boiling, so you're just stuck in this state of irritation, frustration and anger which continues to build. Everything I've ever done, everything I tried to achieve, all boiled down to this? How infuriating.

And then, little by little, you begin to get used to it, you realize the pointlessness of everything you've ever done as your memories begin to circle through your head, how meaningless your attempts at change were, if this was the final destination all along, if I knew ahead of time what this destination felt like, I would have committed suicide long ago, it's true what they say, ignorance is bliss.

I truly fear for anyone who experiences this feeling with Amnesia, can you imagine, the only place where the only thing you can ever do is replay your memories in your head and ponder on them, and you can't even do that because you can't remember anything, how much of philosophical drivel can you possibly go through before you run out of ideas and topics to analyze? Does your consciousness just stop working? Now there's a terrifying thought.

Luckily for me, I didn't get that far in my "Experience". That voice, it broke this eternal silence I was stuck for what seemed to be an eternity, I didn't hear it per se, I just seemed to understand the words and the tone, or maybe I've been deaf for so long, I forgot the mere concept of hearing. Regardless, at some point, this voice broke the silence around me, this scrawny, raspy, dead voice, and by "dead" I don't mean that it was lacking in any emotion, I mean it in a literal way, whenever it spoke, it lacked an organic feeling to it, you know how when we talk to each other, we can hear the "wet" aspect of people's voices? The saliva churning around in their mouth, the squishing of the tongue when we attempt to pronounce certain words, you know what I mean? It's all organic. This voice however, it's as if the source of it, was hollow inside, it lacked that "wet" aspect to it, it almost seemed wooden to an extent, unnerving.

"Funny" it began "All these thoughts and concerns, and not a single one of them about hunger. It's as if such a concept does not exist to you."

What a random comment upon my thoughts, I thought to myself and yet, so true, in all my time I spent pondering, analyzing and reviewing, all the deaths I've caused, all the ways I could have, or was currently dying and hunger, or starvation was never an option.

I answered, without uttering a word "True, but can you blame me? After all, hunger hasn't been a factor for change in the longest of times, so why even consider it?"

"Does it not strike fear into you, to experience starvation, to feel your body eat itself from the inside, trying it's hardest to find any substance to feed on, the endless void of pain that would come from your stomach which then would result in a slow and painful death?"

If I could laugh, I would laugh very loudly "Fear? No, how can you fear something that is not a risk? No, I am not afraid of hunger, because the world has more cows than it has humans at this point, shortage of food is a non-issue."

"Impossible, where peoples are fed, they will fuck. You must see the inevitable result." the voice seemed to be in dis-belief at my remark, almost as if it had not witnessed the current state of the world.

"Oh they will fuck alright, however, you assume that the constant expansion will result in shortage of food and you'd be wrong, simply because people have learned to produce food so fast that humanity is at a stalemate between the numbers of people and cattle on earth, it's been like that for years, no, hunger isn't a threat, in fact, it's quite the opposite."

"Explain." the voice demanded, sounding annoyed at my proposal.

"Do you realize that humanity exists in an age where there are entire careers based on ending unborn lives? Whether it be for selfish reasons like preventing financial ruination, or for noble ones so that the unborn wouldn't have to suffer from some sort of health deterioration whilst growing up. There are also those who would seek to prevent such careers from growing, believing that all life is sacred and you have no right to end it, despite the fact they indeed do have the right, but that is of course if we're following the rights presented by the law, rather than our own personal beliefs. However, some of these people obsess so much over their beliefs on the preservation of life, that they would actively end the lives of those who practice the career I mentioned before. It's a funny conundrum isn't it? On one hand you have those who kill unborn children to either relieve them of their inevitable pain they will have to go through when they will be growing up, or relieve the mother of the pain and loss that comes with raising a child. On the other hand, you have those who will fight for the preservation of the unborn lives, preaching that any life matters, to the point where they will not hesitate to kill those who will practice the murder of unborn lives."

"That does sound like a troublesome stalemate." 

"Oh yeah, but you know what the really scary part about all of that is? Both sides are so certain in what they do, they are so sure in the validity of their beliefs and actions, that they do not stop, or outright refuse to acknowledge the massive contradiction within their plans. Do you know how many people are out there like that? People everywhere, knowing who they were and where they were going, so many of them! Do you think such certainty would exist if starvation was a threat?"

"No."

"Of course not! Fear is only effective when there is a risk of losing something of value, tell me, could anything that was so plentiful have any value? Is life really sacred, or is it an epidemic? A kind of infection, eating up the whole world? Is it really such a bad thing to stop some people from being born, or to just outright kill some of them off?"

The eternal silence that I was stuck in for so long on my own, returned for a little while, the voice said nothing for a long time, so I felt like I needed to say something in the end, because I remembered a few people I've met during my time when I could hear and see.

"You know what my favorite theory about humans that I heard is? That at some point, there will be this great starvation epidemic and people will have to resort to cannibalizing each other, I always laughed at that notion. The only reason people will start cannibalizing each other in todays day and age, is not going to be from shortage of food, it's going to be from their own certainty, that they have to do it, whether it will be out of some dark and twisted belief, or just simply because they have a craving for something different other than cattle meat."

Silence would continue and that voice would never return. I was stuck with my thoughts once again.






4 years, huh? Never thought it would take so long for me to come back. What was it, exactly 100 posts? What say we go for another 100?

You can all celebrate, since this is a Goodbye for me.

If you’re reading this, then… I finally decided to ascend to a different reality, where I might achieve my dream. Looking back on it now, my latest post, seems like I lost my mind for a second, it happens, I am human after all…or used to be and still, just like any of you, I am victim to emotion and no matter how much you try, you can’t escape it, you always feel.

All I ever wanted was to destroy the world, so that someone can rebuild it in a better light. Both acts are equally hard to commit, whoever told you that breaking is easier than fixing, their wrong. I had to go through so many lives, make other people's lives a living nightmare and I never felt bad about it. But this is where being a human comes and bites you in the ass, because, while you don't feel bad, you sympathize, because you are afraid, afraid of losing something those people lost, their goals, their purpose to life and that is probably the only thing I am afraid of, losing sight of my dreams, losing the ability to fulfill them and as I write this, I am surrounded with fear and that is why Incognito will take me down, I am afraid, fear limits me, not a good time to start being afraid...oh well, can't control our feelings.

I don’t usually do this, but please, for me, please, turn on this song and read with this song turned on the next paragraph, thank you.

And so Ladies and Gentlemen…

One man was always in pain, it was either too hot for him, or too cold. A lot of this, a lot of that, sometimes he wanted to yell from happiness, sometimes get into a corner from depression. From worry, his heart was getting paler, his body was slowly falling apart and thoughts were slowly getting stale in his head. And when he completely stopped changing, Death came and took him away.

“Well, did you enjoy, living?” Asked Death.

“Well and yes, and no: Life has sun, pleasure and love, but it also has coldness, disappointment and pain, but mainly, I didn’t find a meaning in it.”

Death giggled “When you were alive, there was a meaning, but along the way you lost it. So I’ll give you some advice, on how you can fix things. Talk to three teachers, they’ll help you remember everything.” After these words, Death turned into a butterfly and…

Darkness engulfed the man; the darkness was silent.

“How scary and cold, I will never be able to find anyone in this darkness.” Mumbled the man.

“I WAS WAITING FOR YOU!” It was the first teacher, Black God. He lived deep underground and was darkness itself. He said that the soul of a human, at the same time, without a stop, shines out both: Happiness and Sadness, which means that Human is the origin of everything. But only when the soul of a human is in balance, his empire is ruled by FREEDOM.

“I was waiting for you…” whispered the second Teacher, White God. He lived up high and was light itself, he told the man that eternity is now; that past and future are simply different forms of human memory, but only when a human is not living by the past and doesn’t run off into the future, his empire is ruled by FREEDOM.

“Why are you not looking for the Third Teacher” Asked Death.

“I was waiting for you; I want to tell you about the Black and White God’s, they were talking about the same thing but at the same time, about different things.”

“What were they talking about?”

“They were talking about me. I choose between White and Black; I choose between Good and Evil; Action and Absence of Action. I along with the world create everything and both of us create each other. When I bring beauty into this world, it becomes beautiful; when I bring destruction it becomes ruthless. That’s the point of life, I remembered.”

“Well, you found the Third Teacher” Said Death “Your own “I” now go ahead, tell others about it.”

Once the man got out into the real world, he started teaching everyone and became a great teacher. He lived far out on a hill and his house was always taken care of by his Gardner, whom loved his wise Teacher. The Gardner glowed in the dark and once The Teacher asked him: “How are you doing this?”

The Gardner said that he doesn’t know, that every second he reads this prayer which the teacher taught him.

“But you’re reading it incorrectly.” Corrects him the Teacher “You’re doing a mistake in this word, and this word and this one; you have to read like this…” The Gardner loved his Teacher very much so he did as he said…and stopped glowing.

After a few days, The Teacher calls his Gardner once again and says “You know, I talked with the Gods and they said, that you can read the prayer, like you read it before.”

And so ladies and Gentlemen, as we all know the world is surrounded by many paths, but they split into only two categories: The Path with a Heart and without a Heart. And the funny thing is, that those paths don’t differ that much, they are simply paths and none of them lead anywhere, unless we don’t splatter bits of our hearts on them. And talking very simply, this is the point: if you feel like you’re living with a person who doesn’t love you, leave, leave without regrets; if up until this point you’re doing something, that you never wanted to do, leave, leave without regrets! There is no Proxy, nor Runner, there is only your personal “I”, you are what you choose to be, you create Runner; Proxy; Survivor; Fighter etc… Not the other way around and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Do not Fear my friends, never Fear, do not limit yourselves with Fear, I did it at the final hour and it will be my undoing.

Thank you everybody, who over the time here, decided to put effort into these pieces, it means a lot to me, it means I am immortal, thank you:

 

         by KnitWolf                                                             by AliciaOwly\Shine    

         by Knitwolf     

Minxie: You were my first friend in all of this, even after I betrayed you and treated you like crap, you still considered me to be your friend and I appreciate it, I appreciate it immensely. You showed me, that I am still a human and I can change. I changed you and you changed me, I believe you have finally found your purpose, you have finally let go of your limits and I’m happy to be able to see it before I go away, your latest comments, your eyes are filled with confidence, you’re going to be alright. You are a protector, you want to protect the people around you, your protection instincts are sharper than your killer instincts and while that is not the outcome I was hoping for, it is the outcome you chose and at the end of the day, I can honestly say that I'm proud. Look at your older posts and look at you now, you changed, Fear no longer holds limits over you, never let it take the upper hand again. Thank you.

Veigar: Sorry my last post seemed not too professional to you. While you might have not understood me on a deep level, you appreciated my work and it always feels good and it inspires you to keep doing what you’re doing, when someone constantly shows their appreciation for your work. Thank you.

KnitWolf: I hope, somehow, you can see this. Thank you, sincerely, you were neither my enemy, or my friend, you were a colleague, you and I, we didn’t have a connection, or anything naïve like that. We had an understanding and respect, we knew what kind of process of thinking both of us went through, however, we never knew what exactly we thought and that is beautiful, I hope your friends succeed in whatever plan you have come up with and I hope they don’t fail. You hear me Fell and Hart, it is up to you now, to fulfill whatever she thought of. And Fell, these words are especially for you, you have to believe me when I say this, Knitty is still with you, she's watching over all of you and I bet she doesn't want to see you drinking yourself to death, I hope you know that, I bet you do.

Morningstar: I’ll open you a secret, I never liked you, I respected you, but I never liked you and somehow, I think you thought the same thing about me. It was fun, to talk to you, to encounter you, etc… Thanks, for making my time on this land, exciting.

Rose: I’m sorry; you sacrificed yourself, to grant me a gift, access to a safe place, a sacred ground where none of those vile creatures can access it. You granted me safety, but you granted me safety before, through your words, you were never judgmental and you never accused me of anything, when I talked to you, it’s as if I was talking to a being that was able to take away all the pain in the world, thank you.

Fortissimo: I’m not saying goodbye, I love you, you’ve been with me through thick and thin, you never questioned my loyalty, or my actions, you’ve always been there for me and I’m happy, that I get to become a part of you.

And finally…

Sergei: I’m sorry, if I made your survival a living hell and I’m sorry for breaking you, but you must understand that I had to, in order to prolong your survival. If you kept these secrets hidden, locked away, blocked, you wouldn’t be able to carry on; you would accept that woman and you would hate yourself forever. Thank you, for being the one, to send me off on my journey and once again, I’m sorry.

And with these words, goodbye, but not forever, as I say this, I drop my own piece off of the board into the eternal abyss so The Game Master doesn’t have any control over me, once I’m gone.

Heh...Exactly 100 posts, how symbolic.

going to choose again

hear me, please

dear god, it's me, kelevra.

we never spoke much before, so maybe it's a little awkward for me to be calling you up now, but this seems to me like a special occasion.

today is the greatest day of my life. me and incogny already went through a whole skyscraper, i managed to outrun him in order to talk to you, gotta make it quick, he's catching up.

if you played any part in things unfolding the way they have, god, well i do most sincerely thank you.

and i only ask for one little favor - this awful bloodshed that's about to happen here, this horrible reckoning of brutality and vengeance and the most depraved sort of shenanigans imaginable, PLEASE, just make it last.

amen.

black

white

Fuck ALL OF YOU!

I've come so far! And my plan isn't going to be foiled by ALL OF YOU!!!

So I have to push my plans a few steps further, all that means is that all of you are going to die even sooner! And after I'm done killing you, I'll have fun with all of you, long, lasting fun! Friend, or no friend, I DON'T CARE!

As I write this, I am setting up the explosion, chaos, SWEET CHAOS, shall begin! I will watch the world burn, then I will be reborn.

FUCK YOU!!!